I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
