Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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