I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Randomize
