1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
