I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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