I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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