Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
