we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
