I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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