it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
