He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
