I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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