I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
