my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
