I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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