Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
