Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
