I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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