Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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