I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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