They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
