When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
