Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
