He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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