i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
