my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
