is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
