I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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