Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
