if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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