Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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