Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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