we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
