So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
