I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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