I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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