Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
