did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
