; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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