U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
