a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
