Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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