Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Randomize
