If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
