Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
pray to the hookup gods
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
