What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
