i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
