my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
