Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
