im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
